Sometimes it still baffles me how people seem to make choices so easily in life.  Everyday, every choice that comes up, I often feel like I don't know what I'm doing, and how I should make choices.  Get out of bed or sleep another hour?  Toast or cereal?  Sleep or post on xanga?  Do work or relax?  Watch a movie or listen to music?  How did I choose to spend the last 3 hrs the way I spent them?  I don't know, I basically often feel like I fumble through life.  Maybe that's why sometimes I get so into work.  I actually feel like I know what I'm doing.  Or video games.  Something I'm actually good at and know how to make a "good" choice instead of a "bad" choice.  Life?  I have no clue what I'm doing..

Tonight I hung out for a while with the founder of http://www.shutterbudd.com, who I offered to help out a bit with on their system.  It was interesting talking.  He seemed eager to hear my advice and thoughts, and I realized, I had a bunch to give.  I've worked at six internet startups.  Box.net will be my seventh.  If I join shutterbudd in some capacity that would be my eighth.  And that's not counting some of the startups I've done consulting work for.  But the point is not to brag (though the thought is appealing to my ego).  It raises the question, why did I choose to put so much of myself into these companies?  I found an old email I had sent to a friend of mine where I mentioned working 80 hr weeks.  Ok, so I don't do that anymore, but what made it seem worthwhile at the time?  Not some particular goal I had, I've never been particularly career oriented.  I guess it comes down to, what I said above - it felt good to actually be good at something.  So does that mean another big motivator for me is running away from the fear of being inadequate, incompetent, and not able to take care of myself?  Worth thinking about..  I'm sure tired of running away from my own fears..  Did I already write about this, just in different words?  Maybe I did..

I really am full of fears though..  I remember saying the same thing to my roommate a few years ago.  It's something that strikes me occasionally when I am able to think about it.  But, perhaps for the first time, I feel equipped to deal with them and eventually overcome them.  But with so many, it will take a while to get through them all, I think.

Ok, here's another wacky insight into how incomprehensible my mind is to myself.  So I was thinking, in some ways I don't mind making a fool of myself.  In other ways I'm totally paralyzed by it.  For example, there are times I've told girls I've had feelings for them despite being pretty sure they would not respond positively.  It's like, I didn't mind that, I just wanted to say what's on my mind.  And similarly, if I think they are interested, I feel fine around them and will feel relatively confident moving things forward.  But then, if I am NOT sure what they think, I will be utterly paralyzed and fearful of making a fool of myself.  Does this even make sense?  It's like I'm afraid of being found out to not know everything.  Which is utterly ridiculous, but as ridiculous as it is, seems like it might be my reasoning.  Hm, maybe that's not quite it exactly.  I'm afraid of doing something the other person will find entirely uncomfortable and undesired.  If I know what they think, at least I'll go in with the right idea of how they will respond.  I guess that makes sense, I just want people to feel comfortable around me.

Ok, with that, perhaps it's time to sign off, and either go to sleep or sit on the couch for another hour listening to music.  Which will I choose?  I don't know!

Even though I only went to half of retreat, it was enough to have a chance to listen more closely, and this is what I heard.

I have suffered my share of hurts in life, and yes, some particularly challenging things these last couple years.  But that in experiencing these hurts, I have created defense mechanisms, protective shells, which depend on the impurities of life.  Jealousy, pride, self-importance, busyness, lust, worldly success.  They have been part of the brick and mortar of my defense mechanisms, and to truly have a free, open, loving heart, I must seek purity and holiness.  Then, when my soul aches for holiness, my soul will shine forth with love, and is that not what I long for?  And, at least for me, the change must come from within.  From a desire for holiness.  Our lives are an outgrowth of our desires, at least when we are living most passionately they are.  And so the beginning is not primarily to change my actions, but to meditate on these thoughts and let my desire for holiness grow, and from there a life that reflects that desire will result.

And, for me, this does not mean asceticism.  God gives us many pleasures in life, and when our hearts are pure, we can experience pleasure and joy more fully, more purely in a sense.  Nor does it mean any commitment to a particular program or discipline.  But a submission and willingness to letting my heart be changed until the desire for holiness is constant and unquenchable, aside an equal thirst for life and fullness of love.  Is this even possible?  I don't know, but may I follow where God is leading me.

I've written it, now I'm accountable.

so I told Box that I've accepted the offer, and tonight my soon-to-be supervisor emailed and asked me to spec out a new laptop with mobile wan (EV-DO) service, so that we can get it ordered and have it ready as soon as possible..  That's a good sign, I think I may really like this job.

And for the curious, my start date is Feb 1..  Hopefully I'll have found housing down there by then.

Still fighting a cold I've had since last Monday.  It started innocently enough with me thinking it'd be a good idea to play FFX until 5am Monday night(/tue morn), only to wake up the next day with a cold. -_-  But this one has been particularly annoying..  As soon as one symptom fades away, and I start to think, yay, almost over now..  A new one springs up to take it's place.  Today sore throat mostly went away, only to be replaced by a pretty bad headache.  Though right now everything feels better.  We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Despite the outline implied by the title, I'm going to go a little out of order here.  I could edit the title, but I guess I'm too lazy to do that and would rather write out this needless explanation.  I think I've had a people pleasing streak for as long as I can remember.  Growing up feeling insecure, different, yet being extremely sensitive, I think around high school time I decided if I wanted to have more social acceptance, I would have to fit in better.  And I tried that for a while.  But perhaps I saw I didn't want to quite just be like other people, which doesn't really ever happen anyways because everyone is pretty unique.  But that I wanted to be seen a certain way, intelligent, calm and collected, humble, kind and considerate.  But underneath this is a great insecurity about my own intelligence and competence, constant anxiety and doubt.  And rather than humility, a more accurate description of my inner sense of self would be swinging between insecurity and conceit.  Maybe I'll give myself being relatively kind and considerate.

Which brings me back to what I probably cherish the most in my dearest friends.  Acceptance.  I have this deep sense that whatever stupid things I say or do, no matter how embarrassing I think something I do might be, or the mistakes I make..  They'll still love me, and think I'm a worthwhile person, and cherish my friendship and participation in their lives.  Perhaps it would be nice if I wasn't so dependent on this acceptance, but given that I am, I'm so thankful that I do have these friends.

This is interesting, because as I look back at my entry a few days ago, there is an interesting contrast between acceptance and wanting to feel indispensable.  Acceptance means being yourself, with all your faults and weaknesses and being accepted for them.  Wanting to feel indispensable brings with it a tendency to be fake, showing more proficiency than really is there, covering up weaknesses, working hard to impress others, etc.  Acceptance comes from being genuine and authentic.  Wanting to feel indispensable tends to result in actions designed to portray a certain image.  The two are at odds, and hopefully I can lean more towards the authentic and genuine direction.

Hm, I get to family, and again I don't feel ready to say any more.  Maybe next time then.

I got a job offer friday from http://www.box.net/.  And I think I'm going to take it, I'm pretty excited about it.  It should provide a lot of interesting and fun things to work on.  They have a system that's growing rapidly and needs to be scaled up to handle much more load, and that will be fun to work on.  I think my manager and I will get along well also, we talked a bit about what I need to be effective, and he seemed very flexible in being able to accommodate my working style and attitude.  Since the job is in Palo Alto, my current plan is to find a place to rent down there and stay there 3-4 nights of the week.  They agreed to let me work from home one day a week.

I have to sort out how things will be with Lithium.  I still want to be involved, and I am confident I can manage certain areas of Lithium's stuff in a way that makes sense for them and that I will enjoy, and that will be beneficial to me and Lithium.  And then I can stay part of the family (because after 5+ yrs, and being a co-founder, they are family - if we go back to the autobahn days that's more like 10 yrs).

I've been thinking a lot about family issues recently.  Reading a few books..  Maybe that's all I want to say about that for now, but it is with a sense of hope.

I sat here for about 2 min trying to think of a title, and gave up.  Anyhow, I came to a revelation today, sort of.  Not exactly, more like a way of articulating something about myself that makes it very clear why that aspect of me causes me so many problems.  I think it would be accurate to say that for me, I feel loved when I feel needed.  Now, a bit of this is probably pretty normal, but carried to its extreme, it explains why often when I'm attracted to someone, I don't take into account how good for me they might be, but rather how much I can "help" them.  It also might help explain why when things are going "fine" in my life generally, a sense of emptiness still chases me around, because there isn't that sense that someone or some group/project needs me.  It's kind of a scary thought, because it also explains why I have been willing to accept abusive situations or relationships, just in order to feel "needed" (which then equates to feeling loved).

And yes, obviously this isn't very logical, it's not an association I have voluntarily selected, but somehow was created in the history of Gilbert and through my life experiences.  And, it's not entirely a bad thing.  It also explains why I am so proficient at discerning the needs of others, and often tend to have a willingness to meet them and care for others.

I would say this dynamic is probably so strong in my life that it is one of the very most dominant and central ones.  It's probably the driving force behind a large portion of the things I get involved in (work, church, groups of friends, crushes), and probably occupies a large chunk of my thoughts in one form or another..

I wrote a post, and then decided to wait before hitting submit, and it's still sitting in the other window.  But hours later it doesn't seem right to post it.  My mood and feelings have changed, and the post isn't representative of "me" in the current moment.  Odd how much our moods can fluctuate hmm?  Or is it just me being a cancer?

I started playing Final Fantasy X again.  I found a recording of someone playing the theme song on youtube..  It's very pretty, I want to create a high-quality recording of someone playing it..  Any pianists want to volunteer?

I got some business cards printed up for my consulting business.  They make me feel so much more professional, it's funny.  Just a little printed piece of cardstock..

A had a nice weekend (though not without the usual emotional currents that I can never seem to get used to - sorry for the double negative, it even hurts my brain and I wrote it).  Why do I have a sentence that has more in parenthesis than not?  And now I'm just forgoing the parenthesis altogether.  Oh well..  Work is getting pretty busy, well I've been making myself busy perhaps.  I've taken on two consulting jobs, even with my (hopefully) impending full time employment.  But, then again, perhaps I'm just staying busy with work as a smokescreen to distract my mind from other matters that I want to avoid pondering.  I shall have to spend more time listening.

was a very emotional day for me.  what happened?  Nothing..  Or perhaps more accurately, nothing that was proportionate to the emotions.  During part of the day my thoughts wandered towards the events of 2007 that were very traumatic for me, more so than I have admitted even to myself (for the most part).  I felt angry, and I did not know how to handle it.  Before long I allowed myself to be distracted by the events of the day, but other emotions were beginning to surface.  I began to feel frightened, vulnerable, worthless, defenseless..  All the while doing my best to appear as calm and undisturbed as possible.  Out of habit I suppose, having been conditioned that to not hide these types of emotions is to invite interactions that will generate even greater pain and worse feelings.

Eventually I came home, still a bundle of unexpressed, unexplored, strong emotions.  And such varied emotions as well.  I noticed I began misplacing my emotions.  I have such a habit of absorbing others negative emotions, that I did it to my own negative emotions.  Rather than being angry at people that hurt me, I was angry at myself.  Instead of being concerned with my well-being, I worried about how the people I was angry at would feel if they knew I was angry at them (and perhaps I shouldn't be angry at them because it might hurt them).  After a moment of thinking about having been wronged, my mind would wonder if perhaps I was that useless that I deserved nothing better.

It might sound strange, but it seems to me I must be vigilant about being concerned for my own well-being.  That it is all too easy for my thoughts to turn negative and for me to give up on myself.  I however, am thankful that I have seen all this, and to friends for not letting me run away that easily.

Woah, I know I already made a "new years" type post, but it suddenly struck me what a blur things have been.  Usually between Thanksgiving and Christmas I start listening heavily to "Christmas" music.  Handel's messiah, Amy Grant's home for christmas CD, George Winston's December, and other stuff I find..  It gets me in the mood of thankfulness and respect for the awesome power that is beyond our senses and perception.  I didn't get a chance to this year, it went by too fast!  Tragic!

2007 contained some hard and painful lessons, but good ones.  I learned to be more careful with my heart, and that I must not allow myself to suffer through life, because there is a better way.  To borrow a quote from Hana Yori Dango, "To be truly in love with someone is to be ready to put your life at risk”  So true, and I guess all the more reason to be careful who you love.

And I learned that life is not a matter of ease, convenience, and stress reduction..  But rather a matter of living out passion, love, and joy.  If you do not wake up every day looking forward to your day and excited about it, search your heart until you find how to live in such a way that you do, and then create this life for yourself.

I also started to face many of my fears, rather than let them run my life.  Life is much better this way.   Not that I have overcome them all, but to be free from being ruled by fears is a nice start.   And I started to remember how to have a sense of confidence and hope, and deep gratitude for my friends, family, and all that I have been granted.

I look forward to living with passion and love again, making people's lives better in the ways that I can.  Learning about things that interest me, doing things I enjoy, finding life again.   Best wishes to all for a joyful and abundant 2008.