so the strangest thing happened today.  I went to a party, and actually enjoyed it!  Ok, let me clarify, by party I mean an event with food, alcohol, and music, in which I know very few people, and the order of the night is socializing.  This would be contrasted with say a "dinner party" where one invites friends over for dinner, or a "gaming party" in which one invites friends over to play games, or a "tea party" where one invites friends over for tea and pastries (ok, I think you get the picture).

So what was this "amazing party?"  Well, it was a work-related party.  In fact, it was an "Attendee Reception" for NANOG, which is..  Well, NANOG is basically a convention for a bunch of router nerds.  What's a router?  It's a layer 3 networking device which..  Err, forget it.  Let's just say it was with a bunch of pretty geeky nerds.  I hope I'm not insulting anyone (but if we refer back to my tact filters post - we know that anyone that went to NANOG or might be associated with that group probably would not be insulted by such a comment).  It was at the The Loft in San Jose, a beautiful location.  Nice space, upstairs and downstairs, I took some nice photos of it that I'll post later.  Food was decent, they had a nice patio, music was not bad as well.  But when I first got there, I wasn't actually having much fun..  Because I barely knew anyone and didn't have many people to talk to.  But I met up with some guy I had emailed earlier in the week, saying we'd have a chance to talk about his company's services and if they might work for box.  So we met up, chatted some..  He introduced me to his CTO, whom is this British guy who had many funny stories (well, funny to a router person).  Then he introduced me to more and more people, and I started to feel more comfortable.  At the end of the night, I even introduced myself to someone who worked at a company I used to work at..  Which was nice because I only do that when I am really feeling comfortable in the environment.

So I felt good about the party, I had fun, made some contacts with people whom I suspect may be really helpful with getting some services that we'll need moving forward for box (it's amazing how difficult to work with sales people can be in this industry - it's rare to find good ones to work with, and when you do you have to hold onto them like treasures).

Then came back "home" to los altos, and had a really long chat with my housemate, Nelly..  She had a lot on her  mind, and needed someone to talk to I guess.  But it was cool, it was fun listening to her story and her problems.  Well, fun in the sense that I think she felt understood, and that some of the insights and comments I made might have been helpful to her.  And she also said (again) how all my references had said really nice things about me.  It was nice to hear that, because I gave her as references my former roommates, and it's just nice to know that I'm a good person to live with.  That having me around is a positive thing.   And also I listed Benji as a reference, and it's also nice to hear she says really nice things about me (not that I have any doubt she would).  When I think about it, I'm so fortunate to be so well loved.  Jenny (Wang) also wrote me an email today that was really sweet and touching.

When I was growing up, I was always jealous of the friendships girls had with each other.  I just always longed for that emotional closeness they seemed to be able to have, which is generally so much harder with either male-male friendships, or male-female friendships.  And for so many years I used to think about how I "didn't" have that, and how it was sad to "not have."  But, tonight the thought occurs to me, my perspective has improved over the years, and I see that I have been able to form those emotionally close friendships, and that I am so grateful for them.

It's also interesting specifically that I've been feeling so much more thankful recently.  Every once in a while, a sense of gratefulness nearly overwhelms me.  It's something I've mentioned in posts here and there too, which is so much a change from years ago..  When my mindset was always full of sadness and angst.  Which still show up, but interspersed with thankfulness and positive thoughts as well.

I have so much to be thankful for, may I remember all that I have been blessed with, and may that create in me a sense of joy and thankfulness that is a witness of the glory of God.

after reading (and then posting) that link about the "tact filters", and doing some more thinking, and also reading some other stuff..  I'm really struck by the thought of the range of how differently people communicate..  And, even just for me personally, how wide a range of different communication styles I use with different people.

Even right now, writing this post, I suddenly understand why often I have hesitations when posting things.  I realize that my communication style is actually one where I prefer to personalize the style based on the person I'm speaking too in many aspects.  For example, within the "tact filters" scope, on the one hand, being a rather sensitive person, I tend to be pretty in tune with how things I say may affect people.  With many of my closest friends, I have a pretty gentle, sensitive, and nuanced communication style.  One of the reasons I love Jane Austen so much is the sharp wit she writes with, handling words with precision and grace.  There are emails I write sometimes where I spend hours tweaking the words, getting each one right..  Because I know the person on the other end will understand the slight nuance in meaning each word shift will create.  Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating there, as part of my reason for doing so is my own enjoyment at crafting a piece of correspondence I feel happy with.  So on the other end of the spectrum, due to the work environments I've been in, I've also learned to speak in a very blunt manner.  Because on this end of the spectrum, people understand best when you speak clearly and accurately.  They will feel frustration if someone "beats around the bush" and has trouble saying what is really on their mind.  Furthermore, especially because I am in a technical field, these same types of people constantly have their BS meter on.  They are analyzing what people are saying to see if they really know what they are talking about.  If they determine you don't know what you're talking about - then they will ignore what you have to say.  Therefore part of effective communication with this group of people is to "prove" that you know what you're talking about.  It's not about being conceited, it's simply a required part of the communication process.  If you do not "show your credentials" (based on the soundness and accuracy of your words), then you will not be listened to - which makes for being pretty ineffective at work if no one listens to you.

So that's just one dimension, but overall I do like to speak to people in a manner customized to their communication style.  Which is why sometimes I find blogging a little awkward.  Who is my audience?  Which voice do I use?  If I were to tell these things to people individually, I'd tell them all in different ways.  That's who I am, I work to understand the other person and communicate and relate in a way comfortable for both of us.  But then, I guess that brings up the question, do I then have a "natural" voice?  One which I prefer most of all, that - perhaps, I use with those I am the very most comfortable with (and feel the most acceptance from)?  But, thinking about it, perhaps that is not the right question.  Those I am most comfortable with, still - it is a dialogue.  We talk about whatever comes up - topics come and go, we update each other on our lives, the things we know the other person would want to hear, etc.  Blogging is different, because it is fundamentally a monologue, but one without any accepted/set structure.  And - I don't know what my point is.  In fact, maybe I don't have a point.  And that's one of the things.  You can blog without making a point, or you can blog to make a point.  You can do whatever you want with it.  I guess my only point is, I see now why I feel a little awkward blogging.  I have a much easier time dialoguing, or with a more set form..

I am unsatisfied with this post.  The lack of having a specific person to tailor it to prevents me from having the satisfaction of polishing it towards the benefit of the end recipient.  sigh..

I was happy today to get "home" before 10!   Home now being the house in Los Altos I'm renting out during the week.  And, also exciting, I was able to buy some things from costco after work.  Costco is always fun, though the mountain view one doesn't have costco gas.   And after costco, I went to Krispy Kreme and sat there for about an hour, drinking coffee and reading xanga.   Oddly, I didn't get a donut, even though I love Krispy Kreme donuts, and they had some freshly made ones..  Guess I was full from costco, next time!

Of course, after getting home, I just spent the last hour and a half working on one of my consulting projects.  Somewhat caught up on that one, though still behind on other projects.

But I'm happy, I feel comfortable in this house.  It's important to feel comfortable when one goes home.  I guess it helps I've learned my own needs.  A quiet place, a table for my laptop/computer and a decent mouse, music, and I'm good.   A comfortable chair is good too.

audio stuff
I brought my Sennheiser HD-580s to work along with my Headroom Total BitHead when I started at box, and some of my coworkers commented on them.  Then I found out one of them is newly building a new home stereo system, and we started chatting about stereo equipment.  I let him try the BitHead, and he really liked it.  Then another coworker today wanted to try it also, and he really liked it also..  I'm totally spreading the audiophile disease to box.   It's funny, I refuse to listen to straight laptop/computer headphone outputs now, so I don't even remember how bad they sound.

camera stuff
My new camera should arrive in emeryville tomorrow!  It's in oakland right now w/ UPS.  I'm quite excited.   I got a Rebel XTi and wanted to get the Canon EFS 17-55 lens, but everywhere with reasonable prices was out of stock and backordered, so I went with the a 50mm and 85mm fixed lenses.  I'm excited..  I want to take pics of the kitchen in this house (assuming the owner doesn't mind), pictures of the office, pictures of my condo, pictures of everything!  It'll be fun.   Oh yeah, and one of the companies I'm helping out with is ShutterBudd so check it out if you are interested in photography!   It needs a lot of work, but hopefully it'll become a useful resource.

so busy..  but thanks for comments and checking up on me.   I'm doing ok though..  Ok, so for tonight, I just want to post a link to an interesting article a coworker referred me to:
http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/tact.html

It's an interesting read for everyone!  I can't really say what it says better than it does, but it gives a good explanation for why some groups might seem less tactful than others, and yet within those groups people are still not constantly insulted or hurt.  And it also helps me understand why sometimes when i chat with coworkers, I'll get "mean" and say things in ways I'd never say them to close friends.  I used to feel bad when I did that.  Now I understand, I'm just adapting to the directionality of the tact filters, and shouldn't feel bad.  I'm just communicating in the preferred manner for that particular person/group.   Haha, I suddenly had a flashback to one of my old jobs when my coworkers would call each other "confused."  I can't really explain why it was funny.  I guess you had to be there.

that is how I feel right now.  This morning during that half-awake/half-asleep phase, I dreamed of arguing with myself.  I don't remember what precisely it was about, but I sort of remember defending my choices with work, perhaps justifying the way I was spending my time, questioning if my life is in line with my goals and desires.  I take that as a sign of inner conflict, not being sure of what I'm doing, and trying to convince myself everything is ok.  But I'm not convinced, I am scared.  And I feel very vulnerable, that if I make the slightest mistake it will send me over the edge and I will crumble.  Or if someone says something even somewhat critical, or teases me today, I might also crumble..

So I sit here at home, half afraid to go out.  Listening to music, writing on xanga, longing to feel safe.  It perhaps seems odd that if I do feel vulnerable, I would make a post like this.  But I suppose my intuition is that, if people understand my delicate state, they will be careful with their words, and that helps me feel safe.  But out in the world, people say things without thinking, or haven't really looked to see where people are at around them, or simply say and do things not directed at any particular person - not to say that is bad, simply that is how it is.

I do want to witness the baptisms today though, so perhaps I will go to that.  But in the meanwhile I will sit here and see where my heart and mind take me.

well, the first week of my new job went well in many ways.  I really feel like part of the team, that I'm someone who can contribute to the success of the company moving forward, and that I fill a needed role there.  And that I'll be able to influence things in my area and that my ideas will be listened to, etc.  And the people are fun and funny, and the company has a chance at being successful..

But....  I'm worried because I'm too into it.  I think about it all the time now.  I'm behind on other of my consulting projects that I wanted to finish up or have made a lot of progress on.  I'm feeling like I don't have enough time for myself, even to do things like check my personal email and read through it properly, and read and post on xanga (among other things).  Hopefully that'll be better next week when I have a place to live at.

I'm actually pretty excited about the place I found to rent down there.  It's owned by a lady that is a private chef, and she has an awesome kitchen.  Hopefully I'll be able to learn a few things from her and hopefully try some of her cooking.  It'll just be a cool environment to be in, I hope.

But - back to the other topic, I am concerned, even if I'll spend less time driving, while I'm down there I might just spend the time doing more work stuff..  So, I don't know.  I've always had a tendency towards obsession, whether it is with a game, a girl, a job, or whatever..  I hope I can break out of that this time, and maybe being able to see it happening at least is a start.  To learn to really just let go for awhile, and get around to doing other stuff.  Like some projects I have at home, and making some progress on taxes.

But then, maybe part of me wants to be consumed by work.  Wants the positive feelings that come from accomplishing something and being part of something successful.  And to undo the obsession is to let go of being "hooked" on those feelings (it's like getting high from working, like the famous "runner's high", lol).  But then, maybe it's not entirely a bad thing.  It is what drives us towards excellence, accomplishment, and success.  Which helps us make the world a better place, as long as we direct our energies towards benevolent enterprises/goals.

I guess the thing to remember is to put it in perspective.  Accomplishment, success, making a positive contribution can all be good.  But so are things such as friendship, love, and having fun.

Back a long time ago, in high school, I actually dabbled in photography for a while.  I found my dad's old SLR camera, and found a friend who was pretty into photography to learn from.  I played with it for a while, and it was kind of fun.

But something happened in my childhood at some point.  I don't remember how things happened exactly, some combination of things with parents, influences from church, being very confused about girls (I know, these all sound totally unrelated - and I suppose they are, except for being things I was dealing with at the time), but at some point I stopped having fun in life.  I remember I stopped watching TV.  That was in response to my mom telling me I was watching too much TV, and rather than argue with her my right to watch TV, I just stopped watching completely.  I don't think I watched any TV through college.  To this day, I hardly watch TV.  I just canceled cable TV last week cause I hadn't watched it in the last 2 months.  I also stopped playing video games for several years I think.  Stopped reading books for fun.  Even forgot how to make friends for a while I think.  I barely made any friends my first couple years in college.  Maybe that's partially why I cherish so much those that helped me out of that time.

Hm, wow, I think I was more messed up for a while than I've ever sat down to really think about.  Something about thinking everything was kind of pointless, that simply enjoying something was not enough justification for it.  But something to explore more deeply another night I guess.  I've been thinking for a while I want to give photography another try..  So tonight I ordered a bunch of camera stuff.  Hopefully I'll have fun with it.  I just have to remember having fun is important.  That often slips my mind.

So my sorta-not-quite-serious goal is to somehow get involved in wedding photography.  Despite the fact that occasionally weddings depress me (when I'm reminded how far off it seems for me), I inherently love the idea of weddings.  The flowers, the dresses, the joy.  Declaring before God and man a lifelong love.  I'd love to do wedding photography (for free - or as an assistant to a true professional).  That would be fun, and something I'd love to do on the weekends.  So first step, get some equipment and learn how to take pictures!  lol

Hope I can fall asleep tonight, seeing as I've been going to sleep around 3 and 4am..  Little bit nervous, but excited.

I noticed something tonight.  Earlier tonight, Christy and I were chatting, and she commented how it was interesting how openly I was discussing the topic at hand..  Which is true, I talk about things pretty openly (as long as what I'm saying hopefully won't hurt anyone or make them feel uncomfortable..)  And similarly here I write out thoughts pretty freely..  But, nevertheless, I keep a lot of things in..  Because my mind runs so much, and goes through so many thoughts..  There are so many more thoughts hidden below the surface..

And then sometimes it does feel like they are bottled up and just wanting to get out.  And to comment on my own rant yesterday..  Maybe it was a little overboard, as in the larger scheme of things it is pretty small.  But it felt kind of good to just write my thoughts without worrying about upsetting or insulting anyone.  And I talked with my coworkers today too.  Even if I let my emotion go a little warm (I almost felt bad for them - I dunno, I guess I just care about the company and don't want them to break things after I leave), it kinda felt good to just say what was on my mind without being overly concerned with how they were feeling.

Actually, this goes back to another comment Christy made too..  While it's good to be considerate, to be aware of other people's feelings and thoughts..  Overworrying to the point where it becomes a burden to me is not helpful to anyone..

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So last year, after I started to sort out my complicated experience..  At times, I would feel mad that I had "wasted" so much time.  Now in general I don't really think it was wasted, I learned some lessons and changed in ways I needed to change.  But that feeling of being mad helped me change my life, that sense of having wasted part of my life.  I'm starting to feel a little of that mad feeling again.  Mad that I've "wasted" so much of my life worrying and stressing over things to the point where it didn't accomplish anything.  Letting my fears get in the way of doing things I want to do and living life with fullness and energy and excitement.  I literally spend hours just thinking about things.  Some of my closest friends really know what I mean.  When Julie was my next door neighbor, she would notice me sitting there for hours in the dark listening to somber music.  And she would tell me she was concerned about me..  How many hours of my life I've wasted just thinking, stressing, worrying, depressing, accomplishing nothing..  Learning nothing, not coming to any conclusions, not growing, just time wasted.  I used to say I enjoy feeling sad sometimes.  Maybe I still do, but - I'm not sure I even got to do that during those times.  In those anxiety filled, depressed times - you aren't really "feeling sad," you're "feeling depressed" (attempting to quash feeling in order to avoid negative feelings)..  And that's a big difference..  Maybe I should just cry myself to sleep occasionally.  That's better than trying to keep a lid on the emotions.  Which I don't intentionally do, but then I see my own inner emotions and sometimes they seem out of proportion - and then I guess I regulate them for that reason.  Guess the alternative is to just let myself express these (seemingly to me) out of proportion emotions.

Haha, hmm..  Wonder what it would be like to just be more emotional on the outside - not just emotional on the inside.  I guess I would have to try it and see what it's like..

Ok, so after further consideration, I'm deciding to write a rant.  It has to do with something my coworkers did today.

Among the more skilled (the industry term for this is "clueful") IT administrators of the world, as I understand it, there is a certain code:

1) Do not randomly turn off or break a fellow admin's stuff
2) If fellow admin's stuff is broken and causing you problems, before you turn it off, try to reach them so they can fix it themselves.
3) If you are unable to reach them, attempt to fix it yourself.
4) If you are unable to fix it yourself, and have no choice and must turn it off after having tried to reach them, first verify that it is actually CAUSING some problem before randomly shutting it off.

I got really upset today when some of my coworkers turned off something that I depend on, because they took a 2 minute guess and thought it might be causing some other problem that they had a very sketchy and uninvestigated report of.  I was totally upset when I first read their email to me, and was wondering if I overreacted, but now more than 12 hrs later, after having a chance to forget about it and get mad about it all over again, I've decided I haven't overreacted.

There's certain reasons why this code is in place.  It's a matter of trust.  The IT world is full of fixing things that other people break (or are breaking on their own).  To get anything done, people have to be able to identify what is actually causing the problem and fix it.  It does no good to create a new problem in attempting to fix the original problem and then not even fix it.

I got so mad because, first off, they didn't even investigate the reported problem.  They didn't ask the necessary questions to characterize the problem which would have given them the necessary information to know which portion of the system the problem was likely to be located in.  They didn't find out the information which would have ruled out this or that as the cause.  They then took this problem that was unverified and uninvestigated, and took a look at the server.  Based on no logic that they expressed (it seemed like a random guess to me), they decided to shut off something that I depend on, without consulting me or asking me, or verifying it actually was causing the problem.  At least they let me know after they did it.  But they didn't proceed to check whether or not the problem was actually fixed.  They just emailed me to let me know the problem existed, that they had turned off my stuff, and then they went to lunch.  Great, so on my day off, they've decided to shut off my stuff, and give me this problem to deal with - and they provide almost no information to go on, and now they are off to lunch, and I need to leave soon because I have a day full of meetings.  Appointments from 3:00 til 7:15.

I'm certain the thing they shut off which I depend on was not causing the problem.  Even if it was causing the problem, instead of shutting it off, a simple 2 word change to the script that any admin should know would have "fixed" the problem (which wasn't even a problem in the first place).  But it's not that they were wrong and had no clue as to how to investigate the problem, nor the simple fix (nice +20).  At least that I can deal with.  It's that they violated the code that you don't break other peoples stuff without a very good reason.  Now I don't know if they will go around breaking other stuff, out of random guesses that maybe "turning this off" will make things work better, and end up making things worse.  That just does not make me feel very good.  In fact, it drives me crazy.

Ultimately I have no one to blame but myself.  Everyone in my department was only hired after my approval.  One of them was my responsibility to train.  Lessons learned I guess for next time.