Caffeine is just way too accessible.  You can hardly go a block or two in any office district without running into a Starbucks or some other coffee shop.  When I used to work in SF, the complex my office was in had 2 Starbucks in the very same block.  But it's not just coffee, just about every convenience store, grocery store, mini mart, or restaurant in the world has a wide selection of caffeinated beverages.  Half the companies I have worked at provide such beverages for free.

That company in SF provided free soda, and I knew it was bad when I would drink six cans of coke a day on the days of the week I was in the office (I was part time), and then days at home I would get pretty bad headaches from lack of caffeine.  At that point, I decided to for the most part limit myself to one cup of coffee or two sodas a day.  When I stuck to that, I wouldn't have headaches on days that I skipped caffeine intake.  Recently, work has been a lot more intense - more stressful and having a lot of things that need to get done.  In those times it's typical for my caffeine intake to go up.  I realized it was pretty bad on wednesday when I had a cup of coffee in the morning, and then two of those large 32 oz super size cokes from McDonalds (not to mention going to McDonalds twice is just pretty unhealthy in the first place).  On top of that I've been working many hours at the datacenter.  My boss finally decided to join me for an extended session.  He helped me put in some cabling, which I had likened to wrestling with an octopus.  He found the analogy apt, and also asked "Did you really do this by yourself?" (I had installed 6 looms of this cabling myself - each loom is 6 individual cat6 cables, the loom is about almost an inch in diameter and consists of a total of 48 twisted pairs).  Anyways, according to this site, my 2 supersize cokes + coffee was probably over 500mg of caffeine.  Wikipedia says caffeine intoxication can occur at 300 mg, and there have been cases of hospitalization at 2g.  I think I unconsciously decided it was time to cut back.  On thursday I "only" had 3 cans of coke (about 100mg), and it was pretty bad.  By the time I was half way through the work day, I had a bad headache.  I probably experienced most of the symptoms described in this article.  But even though it was not pleasant, at that point I consciously decided to stick with getting off the drug.  By late night the headache was very bad, I couldn't sleep (I ended up watching I am Legend, which I really liked).  I was also experiencing what I would probably describe as "flu-like symptoms" (muscle pains, sweats/etc).  Fortunately, having read that article, I knew what it was and wasn't stressing that I actually had the flu (which I hate).  Today (friday) was a lot better.  Most of the day I had only a subtle headache, and only a few other symptoms.  I only drank 1 Lipton Brisk (10mg).  It's so tempting though.  But I think what I have to do is get a bunch of alternate drinks.  I don't think I am ready to reduce sugar intake (though at other times in the past I've tried to cut back on that also), so I'll probably get a bunch of non-caffeinated sodas and fruit juices or something (I really like carbonated drinks, for a while I would mix fruit juices with club soda - maybe I'll do that again).

But overall maybe this is a good opportunity to try to improve my nutrition in general.  We'll see how motivated I am to do that.  (And btw, I'm not suggesting anyone else quit, I'm just describing my experience of withdrawal).

I've realized something about myself the last few days.  I'm actually a person that doesn't mind taking risks, when there is a potential reward that makes it worthwhile.  I never realized this before, because I generally felt that I was relatively conservative about life, often looking for safety (perhaps because I've often felt a lack of emotional safety - but that's a whole other topic).

Anyways, I realized this while thinking about the stories I could tell from my life.  I'm not a great storyteller, but I've gone through quite some unusual things - and the common thread was that I was willing to take risks because I felt the potential reward was worth it.  I may have been wrong, but that's why it was a risk.  In fact, I realize I have been doing this my whole life.  Often I avoid certain things because they seem like they have a great risk with very low or no chance of reward - for example, bungee jumping to me seems to have a great risk with no real reward (other than the adrenaline rush - but I'm not into that), so I would avoid it.  Working at a startup - potential great reward with (what I consider) low risk (the worst that can happen is I need to look for another job).

So this is the background to my plan of becoming a professional stock trader.  Around January of this year, I began testing some new trading strategies I learned, and they have worked very well.  Since then, I have been learning a lot more, and finally feel I have a handle on the whole thing, and that the potential reward is worth the risk of giving it a shot.  When I finish the current datacenter rollout with Box, I'm planning to transition out of full time and focus on stock trading as well as catching up on some reading and learning and thinking I've been wanting to do more of for a while.  The "risk management" is also relevant in the sense that, I realize that's fundamentally what a stock trader does.  A trader essentially analyzes potential risk/reward compared to the "market price" of the risk, and if he or she identifies an anomaly, makes a trade against it.  I've made many mistakes in my past risk/reward estimations, but I think I have found my areas of strength and if I make the best of it, I think I'll do OK.

So, my whole "risk/reward" thing actually goes pretty deep.  When I think about telling things to my friends, one thing I consider is the "risk" of how they will respond, but also the "risk" of how they will respond later if they realize I didn't tell them something.  And thrown into this is the uncertainty of how things will turn out (for example, if I didn't tell anyone about my plan of becoming a professional trader, there's little risk of embarrassment later if I utterly fail).

So the truth is, this is all a prelude to something else I'm sneaking in at the end of this post.  I'm hedging my bet by creating a long prologue which may dissuade some people from reading all the way through.  So grats to those that made it so far.  I appreciate your interest in my life.  So I think how I'll put it is, friends, don't be surprised if I get married before too long.  Of course by no means am I saying it will happen, only to not be surprised if it does.  You're probably thinking, who even knew he was seeing someone?  Well, it's a story that does not lend itself to easy summarization, so I think that shall be enough for now.

So, i was driving to work today, and had a brilliant idea (I know, it's a bit lame to call my own idea brilliant.  And I'm sure not everyone will think it's brilliant, and I tried to think of other words that felt right, but that's the only one that seemed to fit.  So since it's my blog, I'm ruling that I'm allowed to call it brilliant).  So background first, Kiva is an awesome organization, that helps facilitate microfinance loans.  They work with local microfinance partners in developing countries, that help distribute, coordinate, and otherwise oversee microfinance loans to local entrepreneurs (who, as you can read about in the wikipedia article, are unable to obtain credit in the way we have easy access to in the US, etc).  Here is a quick page about how Kiva works.

So Kiva is awesome, they allow you with a few mouse clicks to make a difference in the life of someone struggling in a developing country, in a sustainable way.  You aren't "donating" money, but rather loaning it and will get it repaid (many of Kiva's partners have records of 0 delinquencies across all their loans, sometimes up to half million $ worth of loans).  That's not the news, as Kiva has even gotten a mention from former President Clinton, and has gotten a good amount of press and exposure.

Ok, so second part of the background.  Those of us with pretty good credit, tend to get quite a bit of mailings of credit cards with "0% introductory rates for 12 months!" or sometimes even up to 18 months.  I've got one right now that I've put a lot of my purchases on and deferring payment til the introductory period is over.  That's not something I recommend to anyone except for those with very good financial discipline.  Credit cards can really get you in trouble, but if you have proper financial discipline, they are also great tools.

So the "brilliant" part comes by combining these two things.  I could, say, get a credit card with a 15 month introductory period (I've got one offer from chase right here).  I expect I might a credit card with a limit somewhere in the $12000 or more.  Now the way to get money into the kiva system is through paypal, either through credit card or funds.  So I could charge somewhere up to 60-80% of the card, and have $10000 or so worth of funds to lend out through the microfinance loans.  That's a lot of funds to give these people access to.  It does entail taking on some risk for myself as well as a credit hit, but essentially that's what I'm "giving" in terms of help.  By taking on some risk and a slight credit hit, I'm able to be the intermediary risk holder and help a lot of people.  Imagine if 100 people did this, that'd be an extra $1 million in microfinance loans.  If 2000 people did this, that'd be $20 million more to help people in developing countries.  Ok, I know most of you are pretty good at math so I'll stop there.  But Kiva loans do get repaid, and when the introductory period winds down, you could withdraw the funds and pay off your credit card.  If you felt it had gone well, you could do it all over again with a new introductory rate credit card.

Now, certainly this isn't without risk.  And you'd need to make the minimum monthly payment on your card in order to keep the introductory rate.  You would really need to be on top of your finances to do this, but if you are, this might be a powerful way to help a lot of people.  I'm going to do some more thinking to really analyze the risks and maybe do some digging to find out how feasible this really is, but fundamentally it seems sound to me.

by a strange confluence of events and thoughts and conversations and etc..  to be a better person.  there's so much misunderstanding in the world, so much anger and pain.  and none of us is innocent, may I be a better, kinder, more understanding and loving person.  thanks to all that have helped point the way or inspire me.

Alan Greenspan, why does your book have to be so interesting?  How is it 5:30 am already????

one of my favorite ways to have eggs is soft boiled.  But, for all my skill in cooking (yeah that's not very humble there), I can't get them right.  It seems so simple but they always come out not quite right.  Sometimes whites aren't cooked all the way through.  Sometimes the shells crack and they get all ugly.  Sometimes the yolk is hardened.  Sometimes, when I'm trying to do some "slow start" technique (in order to not crack the shells) I get this double-layered egg, where there are 2 layers to the whites and it makes it harder to peel.  Most of the time I can't peel them without messing them up.  Maybe I should do a week straight where I just practice making soft boiled eggs every day.  Practice makes perfect, right?  Maybe I should just cook a whole 18-pack in a single day....

I've been meaning to write a little about how photography has been going for me.  First off, many thanks to those that encouraged me even before I started (including friends here on xanga).  That really helped me get going.  And also since then, the encouragement of friends that I've photographed ("some of your pictures came out really well, they look like they were taken by a professional!").  I've started to think even more about the idea of doing wedding photography on the weekends.  Wedding photography is a really competitive field, but it's something I'd love to do..  And, wouldn't you want your wedding photographed by someone that really loved it (and was good at it) as opposed to someone that is just doing it cause it's very lucrative?  But of course, it does remain to be seen if I can actually be good at it.   My cousin is getting married next weekend, so I'm looking forward to taking a bunch of pics and seeing how those turn out.

So as to what gear I've gotten, I decided to go with Canon..  I've used Canon point and shoots for a long time, so the UI would be familiar (and I started using them because my friend in high school that was kind of my guide/mentor with photography shot Canon).  There's a list here.
Canon Rebel XTi
Canon EF 85mm f/1.8 USM
Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II
Canon EF-S 17-55 f/2.8 IS USM
Canon Speedlite 430EX
(I know I'm providing free advertising, but I am very happy buying from this company.  I initially ordered from some other sketchy company, and I had an icky feeling from them.  Fortunately, they canceled it - as likely they didn't really want to sell me the camera that cheap, so if you order, order from some place reputable!  And I'm providing links because people ask me how much the stuff costs, so if you want to know you can click).

I initially had meant to order just the body and the 17-55, but that lens was backordered when I ordered the camera.  So I thought about what I should get to start with - I didn't want to go with the "starter lens," because I figured, might as well jump into the thing whole hog and give myself the maximum chance of enjoying it.  I'm actually really thankful the 17-55 was out of stock, because I ended up ordering the 50mm and the 85mm.  The 85mm is one great lens.  People ask what difference the lens makes, but the lens makes a much bigger difference in the sharpness and quality of the photos than the body.  If you take any lens, the image quality it produces with a basic $500 SLR and a top of the line $9000 SLR is going to be very similar.  You take a $500 SLR and compare the most basic kit lens and a $2000 lens, the $2000 lens will look much better.  Most of my very favorite photos so far are with the 85mm.  Because it's a "prime lens" (fixed focal length), it tends to be sharper than zoom lenses.  It can be a little inconvenient because you have to move around to get the right composition, but it makes for some great pics.  The 17-55 is also pretty nice.  The IS (image stabilization) feature is really quite amazing.

This picture was hand held with a 1/2 second shutter speed.  Normally a picture like that would come out quite blurry.  I was amazed at the result.  It's a good lens, with nice features and a good zoom range, but the 85 still beats it in producing pictures that just look better to me.

Some people have also asked me about my camera with wanting to figure out if it would be worth it for them to get one.  It definitely "depends."    I got the camera to have fun, and that's really worked out for me.  I am really enjoying taking pictures and playing with it and researching/etc etc.  It's probably a better hobby than playing WoW (though sometimes I miss WoW too..)  But an SLR definitely is different than a P&S, and you have to understand the strengths of each to decide if it's worth it.  I think the first thing to say is that the very advanced P&S cameras can take very high quality pictures too.  For example, the Canon Powershot G9 or the SD850 IS.  Those are probably in line with the quality you'd get out of a basic SLR and the kit lens it comes with.  They are also a lot more portable and convenient.  You aren't going to be able to take one of those one-handed pics of you and your friend with an SLR (you know, when you want to take a picture but there's no one around to take it for you).  SLRs are heavier and take more effort to care for, and can get quite expensive if you start growing your collection.  What I love most about them though, is their feel and the satisfying click sound they make when you snap a photo (though - that can also be a disadvantage if you want to take photos silently and steathily).  They provide more flexibility by allowing you to change lenses, so you can choose a lens that's good for low light/indoor, or sports, or wildlife, or whatever you are doing for the day.

I think the bottom line is if you just want a "walk around" camera that is convenient to take pictures (eg when you go on vacation), a P&S is a very viable option and much more convenient.  If you want to take photos as a hobby or professionally, or want to do something more specialized (sports, etc) then an SLR becomes much more of a clearly better choice. 

This weekend was quite full, something pretty unusual for me.  But first, a word about a great book I found last weekend.  A friend referred me to a book, "The Highly Sensitive Person," which I bought and haven't read yet..  But while I was in that section of the bookstore, another book caught my eye, called The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World.  It's been great because it's helped me to understand much better and accept parts of myself as "different" as opposed to "defective."  Things like needing to "turn down the volume" on social interactions sometimes, or speaking slowly, thoughtfully, and with care isn't anything to feel bad about, but just a difference in personality which comes with it some very nice advantages as well.  Learning how to successfully navigate (and yes, thrive) in a world dominated by extroverts will be a great set of skills to learn.  I think it will contribute to a very positive improvement in my life.

So this weekend, went to Jeff's Birthday BBQ on saturday, which was a lot of fun.  Good food, a chance to BBQ, and happy friends.   Made this one honey/soy sauce/sesame oil/green onion chicken that I learned from Walter, though I still think he makes it better.  I guess those Texans just know BBQ.   Afterwards some of us went to 4th Street to hang out for a while.  It was a nice chance to just hang out and get some pictures.

Here's a pic I really like.  I'm not sure why exactly, but I do.

And today after church, I had a lot of people over for dinner.  I was happy because I've always like the idea of having people over, but many times it's too tiring or draining to be around that many people, so I have to not invite over that many people.  But we had a lot of fun, ate a lot of good food, and (I hope) every had a nice time.

Of course, now one problem is I haven't really caught up on some of the work I was wanting to do this weekend.  It's already almost 2:30 now too, I don't think it'd be that smart to try to do some now..

something feels wrong inside, but i don't know what it is.  I think that's one of the most difficult things about being so sensitive, little things here and there can get me out of sync, but so much happens every day, it's sometimes mysterious what exactly it is that is out of place.  It'd be like driving a painstakingly restored antique automobile over a road laden with potholes and debris.  You want to come to a stop and pull everything apart to fix the rattles and realign the suspension, but you can't because you have to keep driving.

one of my favorite books as a child was Anne of Green Gables.  Anne had such a good and courageous heart, and she was so smart and clever and funny.  I surely had a crush on her at the age of 8 or whenever it was I first read those books.  She had such romantic sensibilities, and I loved the way she was always looking for kindred spirits.

I love the idea of kindred spirits.  People whom you resonate with at some difficult to articulate level.  I feel it is one of the most important things, to find people who's hearts are just somehow in tune with yours, and to be able to enjoy the friendships and relationships that can form with these people.

I think it really helps me when I'm around my friends that really know me, and who I am.  I mean, it helps me remember who I am.  With work taking up so much of my time, thoughts, etc, sometimes I have to act a little differently than the person I most am inside.  It's not exactly that work requires me to be a different person..  But when work requires me to bring out all of my knowledge, intelligence, expertise, and reasoning to design, explain, defend, and guide..  It's hard to exemplify the quiet, gentle, humble, kind and considerate person I want to be.  I have to explain why certain things are the right way to do things, why certain other ideas won't work, and then there can be this sense of frustration when people do not naturally understand why certain things are the right way to do things (but at least they do not stubbornly defend the wrong way to do things).  But I just want to understand how I can stay centered on who I am.  But, maybe part of "who I am" is someone who wants to instruct, correct, and be an expert.

This reminds me of a few things from my childhood.  When I was young and in Chinese school, we would go around and read from the little books..  I remember there used to be times I'd just correct the other students.  I don't know why, I have no idea what I was thinking.  They'd say something wrong and I'd correct them during the reading.  The funniest part was when it came my turn to read, I often couldn't do it or would make mistakes too.  But somehow, I was able to correct others.  I must have been so annoying..

But, that probably wasn't the worst of it.  I remember when I was in elementary school, like between grades 1-4 I think, I used to correct the teacher.  I really have no idea what I was thinking.  I used to read the encyclopedia as a kid.  So sometimes the teacher would say something wrong and I'd argue with them about it.

I guess I argued a lot as a kid.  Maybe I didn't get enough acknowledgement, and that was my way of trying to compensate.  Maybe I didn't have enough friends?  Maybe I had some really important friends that somehow I lost, and made me afraid to make new friends.  I still remember some of those friends I had..

Maybe there are parts of me I am ashamed of, that I want to only present a certain side of me.  But that the whole person includes this part of me that sometimes likes to argue, to prove others wrong, that can be impatient with people.  That needs to hide and seclude myself sometimes.

Perhaps I need to accept these sides, and not try to disown them..  Yet I also know who I most love to be.  The parts of me that bring me the most joy, that I most love to express and have acknowledged.  I guess there must be a balance, there is no light without shadow, etc.

So I'm sitting at work right now, again reading this email that Jenny wrote me last night, and wanting to reply.  And also this morning I've been writing messages here are there..  Spending time on my personal life.  And part of me feels guilty..  Yet, I stayed up til 2:30 last night chatting w/ my manager about work stuff..  So I'm wondering, if work has invaded my personal time, is it then justified to do the reverse and allow personal life to invade "work time"?

This seems reasonable to me, and a good way to keep from being utterly taken over by work life.  I must live my life with wholeness, and perhaps if the best route to that includes using some time in the office to do non-work things, I think that is ok.  Any opinions?