February 10, 2008
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vulnerable and afraid
that is how I feel right now. This morning during that half-awake/half-asleep phase, I dreamed of arguing with myself. I don't remember what precisely it was about, but I sort of remember defending my choices with work, perhaps justifying the way I was spending my time, questioning if my life is in line with my goals and desires. I take that as a sign of inner conflict, not being sure of what I'm doing, and trying to convince myself everything is ok. But I'm not convinced, I am scared. And I feel very vulnerable, that if I make the slightest mistake it will send me over the edge and I will crumble. Or if someone says something even somewhat critical, or teases me today, I might also crumble..
So I sit here at home, half afraid to go out. Listening to music, writing on xanga, longing to feel safe. It perhaps seems odd that if I do feel vulnerable, I would make a post like this. But I suppose my intuition is that, if people understand my delicate state, they will be careful with their words, and that helps me feel safe. But out in the world, people say things without thinking, or haven't really looked to see where people are at around them, or simply say and do things not directed at any particular person - not to say that is bad, simply that is how it is.
I do want to witness the baptisms today though, so perhaps I will go to that. But in the meanwhile I will sit here and see where my heart and mind take me.
Comments (4)
Hmm..
where you are is certainly a delicate place. It's hard to be sensitive about every little thing, especially when the majority of the world does not hold the same view.
I drift in and out of vulnerability and fear as well. The future is a behemoth of a thing to behold, and with my future having incredibly fuzzy features, it's hard to know what to think. So many times in my applications have I been asked to defend and prove myself above my peers even though all I really am is someone with dreams simply hoping that someone will help me or give me an outlet to achieve such goals.
Defending yourself is a hard thing, and perhaps not even possible. It's often easier for us to blindly listen and follow orders rather than choose something and never regret it (although maybe some may prove differently). The more fundamental thing I think for Christians though, the most important question, quite obviously, leads back to the Cross. Is what I'm doing what God wants me to do? Is doing this what will most glorify God and His majesty? If the answer is yes, then you should have no doubt that you are in the right path that God wants you to be in. If not, I suggest a lot of prayer. It sounds like you've been thinking about it thoroughly enough. Perhaps a mode towards action will be good for you (praying or reading?).
Vulnerability can be good, but it shouldn't be seen as a state susceptible to danger. It's humbling, but with all seriousness, do you not believe in your friends when they say that they believe in you? And what about the God who can provide more than enough strength in you? The one who can build and destroy civilizations with a simple whisper from His mouth. Do you not believe in His power?
Be encouraged Gilbert. Cast all such worries and burdens upon Him, and take heart in this beautiful and blessed day. =)
What are work choices that you feel that you will have to defend?
Been reading in the Scripture a lot recently and have been reminded on the need to pray and turn to God for everything. When criticisms came, what did Nehemiah do? He turned to God and prayed. From that, he was strengthened to do all that God had in mind for him. I am learning again how to turn to God for everything.
BTW, did you know that KPBS is doing a 'marathon' of Jane Austen? Every Sunday night -- Masterpeice theater.
@searchingfortreasures -
It's not so much a "work choice I feel I have to defend".. It was that - in that half lucid stage, I was arguing with myself.
I think that meant I was having an inner conflict. Having it brought to my attention that way, I was forced to face it. And I think it has resulted in a resolution that I need to make personal time for myself, and not let work invade my whole life. Like right now, making time to read xanga, reply, etc. To be responsible to my work and be a good and productive employee, but to be mindful and deliberate about putting a limit on how much of my life it consumes, and then spending the other parts of my life in a responsible manner.
@searchingfortreasures -
and omg, I did hear about the Jane Austen marathon.. But I canceled cable recently, and I have like no time to watch TV anyways.
But I did re-watch Pride and Prejudice the other night. 
The Keira Knightley version. I love both version, but she's great when she visits Pemberley for the first time. She has this laugh that just conveys wonderfully that sense of awe at Pemberley as well as a sense of how foolish it is for her to be so taken by it. And then when he sees her, and they are chatting so awkwardly, I just love that moment. It amuses me so much. 
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