January 15, 2008
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(no title)
I sat here for about 2 min trying to think of a title, and gave up. Anyhow, I came to a revelation today, sort of. Not exactly, more like a way of articulating something about myself that makes it very clear why that aspect of me causes me so many problems. I think it would be accurate to say that for me, I feel loved when I feel needed. Now, a bit of this is probably pretty normal, but carried to its extreme, it explains why often when I'm attracted to someone, I don't take into account how good for me they might be, but rather how much I can "help" them. It also might help explain why when things are going "fine" in my life generally, a sense of emptiness still chases me around, because there isn't that sense that someone or some group/project needs me. It's kind of a scary thought, because it also explains why I have been willing to accept abusive situations or relationships, just in order to feel "needed" (which then equates to feeling loved).
And yes, obviously this isn't very logical, it's not an association I have voluntarily selected, but somehow was created in the history of Gilbert and through my life experiences. And, it's not entirely a bad thing. It also explains why I am so proficient at discerning the needs of others, and often tend to have a willingness to meet them and care for others.
I would say this dynamic is probably so strong in my life that it is one of the very most dominant and central ones. It's probably the driving force behind a large portion of the things I get involved in (work, church, groups of friends, crushes), and probably occupies a large chunk of my thoughts in one form or another..
Comments (2)
I think to a certain extent, you must feel needed in a relationship so I don't think what you realized today is as bad as you think. It gets pretty boring when you don't feel like you can contribute anything in a relationship, whether it be a personal or social one. So... I think.. whether most people realize it or not, this thing you realized today, its essential for everybody. Though I think sometimes, yeah, you take it the extreme sometimes. That last one that I know of that you went through is a pretty prime example. Just be cautious about being taken advantage of and especially how far you will allow that to happen with each particular person. Take care man, haven't talking to you for a while. New profile pic too, is that from your brother (I blanking on taro's name right now >.<) and Jen's wedding?
how insightful.
it's good to be sensitive to others' needs, but cultivating just as keen of an awareness of your own needs will help ground you to see the biggest picture, and then you can be even more of a resource to others.
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