January 7, 2008

• today

  was a very emotional day for me.  what happened?  Nothing..  Or perhaps more accurately, nothing that was proportionate to the emotions.  During part of the day my thoughts wandered towards the events of 2007 that were very traumatic for me, more so than I have admitted even to myself (for the most part).  I felt angry, and I did not know how to handle it.  Before long I allowed myself to be distracted by the events of the day, but other emotions were beginning to surface.  I began to feel frightened, vulnerable, worthless, defenseless..  All the while doing my best to appear as calm and undisturbed as possible.  Out of habit I suppose, having been conditioned that to not hide these types of emotions is to invite interactions that will generate even greater pain and worse feelings.

  Eventually I came home, still a bundle of unexpressed, unexplored, strong emotions.  And such varied emotions as well.  I noticed I began misplacing my emotions.  I have such a habit of absorbing others negative emotions, that I did it to my own negative emotions.  Rather than being angry at people that hurt me, I was angry at myself.  Instead of being concerned with my well-being, I worried about how the people I was angry at would feel if they knew I was angry at them (and perhaps I shouldn't be angry at them because it might hurt them).  After a moment of thinking about having been wronged, my mind would wonder if perhaps I was that useless that I deserved nothing better.

  It might sound strange, but it seems to me I must be vigilant about being concerned for my own well-being.  That it is all too easy for my thoughts to turn negative and for me to give up on myself.  I however, am thankful that I have seen all this, and to friends for not letting me run away that easily.

  • 4:15 am
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